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| well- months have passed, life has changed. many questions lay stagnant in my mind- questions that i dont know the answers to.
i guess buddhists say that you should let the negative/pain flow through your body, and you should embrace it just as much as you should hate it, for everything that happens determines who you are. so i sit, and try to adopt this philosophy to my own life- but it just seems hard.
i find myself lost- trapped in this world that is hollywood land, at truly rock bottom. the only upside to this, is it just cant get much worse. i'm poor, i have no food, and i have nothing special to speak of. i don't know how im going to pay rent, or what i'm going to do next. i do know that the possibility of being forced to move home is growing ever closer- and to make it even worse, i even had a job offer in indiana to make the decision all the harder.
lala land is all about sacrifices. people come here, and put everything on the line for the chance to make it big- people spend YEARS saving the all mighty greenbacks to be able to come here and support themselves long enough to get a job. but here is a question- what does one, who has briefly had it all, do about the possibility of failure? i didnt move here to work in anything but production, and i even go as far to preach to everyone i know about how easy it is to get work. but what happens when the one that gives hope to everyone else, when they cant find a job? i am a leader- and my being here is giving others the strength to do the same, so how could i of all people possibly bow out?
i am constantly trapped inside of my own emotions. i spend most of my days sulking in the past, or in bad decisions, and singly handedly keep myself from success. i have had many opportunities to get my shit out there and be a director, but have i done it... no... but why??
what am i waiting for?? why am i not happy?? why cant i find the strength deep down inside to follow in my own dreams?? why would i even let myself give up... i fuckin worked my ASS off to get here.
what is wrong with me?!?!?
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| well, it's gonna be differnt this year, to say the least.
it's gonna be my first xmas away from anyone i love or care about- and it's very saddening. i moved here to do one thing, better myself and my career. i knew it was going to be tough and take a lot of sacrifice, but i wasnt aware of just how much. more so than that- this will be my second holiday in like 5 years without someone special in my life. thanksgiving wasnt as bad as i thought it was going to be, but it's still differnt.
i think i need to find a way to build some confidence back up in my life- because that seems to be the thing holding me back right now- this overwhelming fear of i am just not good enough, or people just arent going to like me for who i am, whereas in the past, anyone that i came across that really meant something to me was met out of being a confident fun person.
someone told me recently things i didnt want to hear, but they were absolutely true. i have to find a way to live for myself, and make myself more important than anything- which is really hard for me for anyone that knows me at all. i find myself throwing away anything important to me to make someone else happy, which has ultimately led me to the situation i am currently in.
but alas
another day another dollar (in the hole)
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| so...
LA, the wonderful city full of opportunities it is, does not provide happiness. i have long thought that moving here was exactly what i needed to truly be happy- but i think i was absolutely wrong. if you are someone who believes in karma, then it is sometimes really hard to understand this city, and as sugarcult would say, "this city's killing me." it's funny how at times it seems like i have soo much going for me, and at other times things are just contantly stripped away. this of course is not to say that things are terrible right now, rather just differnt than what i hoped or imagined they would be like at this juncture of my life.
on the positive, i get to design the opening credits for a new fox primetime show, "the winner" starring rob cordrey from the daily show. so that will be pretty rad having something i made as a 23 year old on primetime tv, plus that will force me into a whole new world of work.
but- again... things are only bitter sweet.
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| why is it that sad/bad things keep happening...
just when i think things cant possible get worse, they do- and it's a lot to handle.
what am i missing in my life right now???
love.
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| so im gonna try to be less bitter this go round.
things are going much smoother right now- being as a lot of conflict in my life got resolved. i wouldn't even venture to say that it is over completely, but for the time being it has subsided enough that i can sleep if only for a couple hours at night.
so yea. wow. it's really lonely here. and to make matters worse, my one and only friend out here is leaving on monday for 7 days to go back home and visit- so, that leaves me stuck in an apartment i dont want to be in, all alone, with absolutely nothing to do besides sulk in what was lost? shit, i dont even know why i bother to date people. i know how its going to turn out- i will ultimately drive my partner soo crazy that they cannot even speak to me without being angry or screaming, and it will ultimately get to the point where no matter how much they love/loved me, they cannot even stand to see my face or hear my voice. yay for me.
at the same time, i feel as though i really need to be alone right now and focus on my own life. after all, i did not come 2200 miles to make nothing of myself. fuck no. i have worked my ass off for the past couple years with one goal in mind- to successfully direct/edit/produce in hollywood. and im not just talking on a small scale, no no no, im talking full boat. you see, not to quote a movie, but i will "i have it in me to believe that i can be something in the world" and i really feel that is true. cuz if you think about it, einstein wouldnt have done all the shit he did, had he not been full of himself and KNEW that he knew his shit.
so this is what im saying... criticize me if you will. my goal in life is to get a real oscar. and i think it's possible, so possible in fact that it burns. and i will stop at nothing until i acheive my goal. the girls in my life thus far have all equally taught me valuable lessons about myself, and all equally at the same time held me back from what i am supposed to do, thus them ending terribly.
so thats what i got.
good night.
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